Each of us seeks ways to feel safe, important, and contributing. What happens when these good desires are reached in the wrong way?
Last night I dreamed, the strangest dream, a man could ever dream…” This song happened in vivid color for me in a beach-front hotel in Samara, Costa Rica. I slept soundly after an enjoyable day playing on the beach with my kids and talking to their mom. In dream land I sat in a conference room on a folding metal chair attending a self-development seminar. Tony Robbins was the keynote speaker who took the stage and in typical, powerful manner asked what baggage we carried from our youth into adulthood. A compelling, strong feeling welled up inside me that this was my chance to say something, get his attention, and actually reach a famous person with my story. My hand shot up and the words started pouring out of my mouth.
“My Dad ran a business, it grew a little bit, and then failed. We had a very hard time as a family because of the financial hole we were in, and I became stunted because of this.”
All a lie.
The impressive part of this dream was the clarity and drive of the emotions associated with this statement. On the one hand I wanted to be impressive, to relate, to be on the inside of people connected to business. I wanted to be seen by others in the room as impressive and on my way somewhere great. On the other hand, I knew with complete clarity that what I was saying and communicating wasn’t true. Even more than the words, the emotion I was communicating was a disconnection from me and my actual experience in life and grasp for somewhere outside myself- with him, or even the others in the room. I was lost.
This pattern is real in my life, and afforded me a lot of opportunities to learn.
Why do I do that?
What harm is there in lying by falsehood, inflation, withholding, or misrepresentation?
What can I learn from this about me?
What strategies can I put in place to more powerfully speak my truth?
The Harm of Lying and Deception
Each statement we make represents a perception of our own experience. The sky is blue, this water is warm, the dog barked, that person is mean, this work is hard, etc. When we mis-represent our actual experience to others we foster seeds of mistrust- mistrust of one’s self-identity, one’s ability to interact with others, and of life its self. What we mis-trust we try to distance from and when that’s not possible we try to destroy it, especially if that is ourself.
One day I was walking in Central Park on Long Island, NY where I came across a disheveled man sitting on a bench speaking to himself out loud.
“Why did I say that? It was mine to say. This bench is mine. Why did I say that out loud? They did know this bench was mine. Now there is $#!% on my spot. It’s dirty. What will I do? Where will I go? I can’t trust them. They are going to take me. Stop it! Keep this. It’s mine. Go away! Why didn’t I take it?…” On and on he went for the nearly 5min I stayed and observed him.
What stood out to me, though completely inadequate to explain his situation, was his fundamental disconnection from trust. This lack of trust extended so completely that there was no definite sense of self as that would not be trustworthy, only instantaneous wandering from thought to thought, idea to idea, and likely from immediate gratification to immediate gratification of one form or other. Such a mental state is one end result I picture from a pattern of lying amplified. Why start down this path or sew these seeds?
Why we Lie
We lie to get something, generally for three reasons:
- To provide a feeling of safety
- To provide a feeling of significance
- To provide a feeling of novelty
For example, I say I am going to get something done and don’t do it, or don’t do it when I say I’m going to or as completely as I’m going to. The truth is my actual performance is not meeting the expectations I set. It may give me a real sense of safety, if only temporarily, to deflect attention from my performance, and a perceived downgrade of my identity, by choosing a quick scapegoat. This is never more true when money, close relationships, or key valuables in life are on the line. The problem is, when it’s not real, it can’t be fully trusted, and the valuable can be destroyed in seconds.
The Social Media Effect is one where people roundly exaggerate life circumstances to be more ideal than in reality. There are photo filters, decorations, and wording can easily obscure reality. Is it a lie? Very easily. The dopamine hit and perceived boost of personal significance from a like, subscriber, or positive comment is real and powerful. The problem is, when it’s not real, it it not fully trusted and can be let go or destroyed in a heart beat of an exposing or negative comment.
Kids and some adults can find novelty in lying to see what they can get away with. Spin a story, set an outlandish expectation, or buy something where payment is likely out of reach.
I was once in a business funded by a group of financial investors. One of which was an individual that seemed larger than life. He spoke about the beaurtiufual We sat at a large conference room table and discussed the nature of business. Norman and the Ted Holbrook effect.
Lying involves three aspects- setting an expectation, making a performance, and conveying a falsehood.